I dunno... maybe I just don't know how good we've got it ... maybe the rest of the world has to wait even longer than we do... what pisses me off though is that I desperately need surgery, but I have to wait. I have money, I wanna pay whatever it takes to stop this pain, but that would be against the law - I have to wait. I've been to emergency, but I still have to wait. On the radio this morning they said there may be up to 6,500 names of deceased people on waiting lists that are making the lines look longer than they are... and that got me thinking - maybe these people wouldn't be dead it they weren't forced to wait so long!!!
So after I went to emergency before Christmas, my diet has consisted of not much more than lemon tea, chamomile tea, pepermint tea, steamed vegetables, and the occasional rice or fish dish (with a couple noteable exceptions - ie: the 7 course dinner on New Years Eve). I'm 26 lbs lighter than I was this time last year (which I guess is probably healthy - but it's certainly not fun!), and the last couple weeks I haven't had any energy to do ANYTHING. What's worse, it doesn't even matter what I eat now - I'm having gallbladder attacks for no reason now. For instance, Friday I had lemon tea when I woke up, and a pear a half hour later. I had pepermint tea and steamed bokchoy with lemon-herbs and soy sauce for lunch, I had a snack in the afternoon of a single piece of sliced deli black forest ham (yeah I know, that was a no-no) and a glass of water, and for dinner I had chamomile tea, steamed beet tops and more steamed bokchoy. Four hour after that I had an attack. What's worse is it hasn't stopped since. Today's now Wednesday and it STILL hurts. Not bad enough to take a pain killer (I HATE taking drugs anyway - and won't take a painkiller until the pain is unbearable), but kinda like Chinese Water Torture. When it first starts, you say "Oh, this is no big deal, I can deal with chronic pain if that's as bad as it gets" - but after a few days it starts to wear you down. It hurts to breath, so you breath as infrequently and as shallow as possible. It hurts to eat, so you eat as infrequently and minimally as possible. It hurts to move, to think, to shit, to smile, even to sit in front of a computer and complain about it on your blog... so you do everything as little as possible - but before you know it, all that's left in your life is the dull, constant pain, and it drives you down... It sucks. I hate it.
I'm kicking myself because my doctory told me 18 months ago that I had gallstones and that I could either live with it until they cause me grief, or I could book a surgeon to talk about getting my gallbladdder removed. I said "Ha! I've never had a gallbladder attack, I'll just make sure to eat a little better and I'm sure I'll be fine! If I ever have an attack, I'll come back and we can talk about getting surgery." Well, it was one year after that, that I had my first attack - the next week I went back to the Dr. and said "Let's book that surgeon" - sure thing - no problem - except that there's a 6 month waiting list to even get a CONSULTATION! That was five months ago. So now I'm trying to make it to February 10th. I've still got a month to go before seeing the surgeon, and I don't know if I'm going to make it - but other than taking drugs to mask the pain, (which is OBVIOUSLY only there because something is VERY WRONG!!!) there's nothing else I can do. Sure, the emergency room doctor told me that if I experience any signs of jaundice, that I should come back immediately for emergency surgery, but, just my luck, I'm currently jaundice free... silly me though, I DID have all the signs for the week after my very first attack, but I didn't know what it was then - and that particular problem cleared up quickly.
So, you think that Feb 10th is going to be my salvation day? Not even close... that's just the consultation with the surgeon. IF he says "Yes, you're a candidate for surgery" THEN I get put on the SURGERY waiting list... if I'm LUCKY it'll be three months, if not, another SIX...
This is killing me - litterally. I think I've been a pretty good sport about it so far, but I'm at my breaking point now. I want to whine, I want to bitch and complain, I want to lose control and jump up and down and do whatever it takes to get this surgery and get all fixed up... okay, I take that back. As a colleague suggested yesterday, I suppose there are still a few things I'm not willing to try...yet... "Just call 911 and say 'since I need emergency surgery, but the doctory won't do it yet, I've decided to do it myself. Please send an ambulance, I think I've made a mistake.'"
Sorry this entry is such a downer, but hell, I'm allowed to be a little pissed off when my life's on the line, aren't I?
Okay, I'm done venting - no, that's not true, I'm not even close to done, but I'm going to stop typing now - it hurts too much.
Posted by Calvin at January 12, 2005 07:25 AMyou should rant more often...my friends are now buggin me about not posting as often as i should...on my blog that is...
it's an interesting story about your health problem...it's a poor situation about the waiting list...and the whole procedure...buit it's also comforting that if needed you can get bumped for emergency...i'm sure that if you suffer an attack again and you really hate you could exagerate your condition to the point that they admit you right way....that's my recommendation anyways...and knock on wood that it doesn't happen but it might be that serious anyway...by the sounds of it...your health is suffering from lack of proper nutrition anyways...and that's a double wammy...as i first started reading....i was gonna say what about protein drinks and shakes and all that stuff for nutritional supliments...it kinda reminded me of my ferret in her last days...at first it was a small lump under her belly skin...then it got bigger and harder...i figured she musta fell outta bed or something...and i figured it was a bruise or soemthing and it would go away...i knew something was wrong when it kept growing...it reminded me of colby the cat and his throat cancer...the tumor got so big that she could no longer eat and could drink either...she got dehydrated and i knew it was her last days...it wasnt' that she couldn't eat..it wsa that there was no place for it to go...
i had a feline laxitive that was really sweet and she survived on that in her last days...my point is...although you don't have cancer...your sufering similar conditions...and that ain't good and the only thing that will help you is surgery... which leads me to my next point...i remember when i was a kid watching tv...and they were showing a process for removing these "stones" i don't know if they were gallbladder or kedney or what...but the process although i had no idea what they were talking about at the time was submersin the patient in a tub of water and inserting a tiny explosive into the affected area ...right up again the stones and basically blowing the stones to tiny particals....apparently painless...it was along time ago so i don't really know what i'm talking about but... i'm trying to relate in some manner... i am actually surprised you manage to rant as much as you did being in as much pain as you say you are.... maybe your a big faker and are just looking for attention...
i'm assuming the band stuff is on hold till this matter is put on hold?
Posted by: vetiver at January 12, 2005 02:39 PMOh dear Calvin! I totally feel your pain! this is so unfair, but it is a fact, you have to almost fall down in front of the doctors before they are able to rush you in for surgery. Go to emerg or go to your GP, and stay in a doubled-over position, rocking and moaning, until the admit you..... to one ward or another! Seriously, not to minimize the poor ferret or Colby the cat, but this is way serious, and only more damage to your already stressed liver will occur. Get back to your GP and beg him to send a letter post haste to the surgeon and write "Please EXPEDITE" across the page, and hopefully things will move quickly. Once you do get in to see the surgeon, your medical reports of the emerg trips and to the gp will all be there, and if he has half an ounce of a brain, will see the urgency that is there. But you sadly have to be the one pushing them all!!! Try the blended foods and protein drinks, for sure, but watch the fat contents. Good luck!
Posted by: Marm at January 14, 2005 09:44 AM