Temp: 28
Carole sent me this the other day, from the Best of Craig's List.
It's so funny that I just had to share it, and at the bottom I've added a few jems culled from my own observations.
Office Poop survival guide
Date: 2006-06-15, 2:07PM PDT
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Okay, and here are my humble contributions:
THE VP:
This guy might not actually be a corporate Vice President, in fact, he might not even be all that important or all that busy in the office - but when he rushes into the bathroom to pinch one off, you'd think he had a thousand critical issues on his plate, and pooping was not worth ten seconds of his time. In fact, ten seconds would be generous... this guy careens into the washroom in a blur of motion, and before you even hear the door latch, his pants drop, or his butt hit the seat, you hear a WATERMELLON, a flush, and then he's out the door ... no wipe, no handwashing, in fact, you're pretty sure he didn't even close or open the stall door. If you're unfortunate enough to be sitting in the next stall when THE VP whirls through, you'll be left with your jaw dropped and a sense of confusion about what just happened - "who ever that was," you wonder, "they must be ONE BUSY PERSON!"
THE POOP TALKER:
Nothing is worse than sharing the bathroom with THE POOP TALKER. It's unclear whether this guy just feels more comfortable about pooping when giving a play by play, whether he feels he needs to coax the poop out with encouraging words, or whether he even realizes that he's vocalizing his inner voice - but one thing's for certain, as awkward as it is, you can't escape without busting into fits of uncomfortable laughter when you hear "Come one, there ya go, you can do it... oh! You brought a friend! that was unexpected... any more? yeah, you can come out to play too, come one, one more..." eminating from the next stall. The worst is probably when you hear "come on, come on, just once, do it for me..." followed by three or four deep breaths, then a a strained huff and a very uncomfortable long silence (where you're picturing the POOP TALKER's face a bright crimson with veins popping out of his forehead) and then finally a WATERMELLON with "Yes! Yes! That's mah boy! i knew you were in there, you were just shy weren't ya!" hot on it's heels.
THE CROHNS HOG:
This guy may or may not be afflicted with Crohns, but whetever his problem, he certainly spends the bulk of his work day in the John. Three, four, five times a day. You know who he is by his shoes, because you see them sticking out of the stall every damned day - no matter when you make your trip to the can, he's either just leaving, just entering, or his dusty brogues are sticking out from under the stall. He's quiet at least, but he sure is a hog ... this guy is the number one reason you find yourself seeking out the SAVE HAVEN, as he seems to have a complete monopoly on the 'nearest' bathroom during normal business hours.
INAPPROPRIATE HYGENE DUDE:
While closely resembling an UNCLE TODD, this particular breed has one unique distinction. He seems to deliberately wait until you're using the facilities before entering the washroom and proceeding to liesurely brush and floss his teeth at the sink/mirror directly in front of the stall you're occupying. Revolted by the thought of pooping while someone's brushing their teeth right next to you, you wait... and wait... and wait... but when the brushing's finally done, the flossing starts. Then the mouthwash, and gargling, and spitting, and then he starts over with round two. All you can do is wait him out - you certainly don't want to finish and have to make eye contact with INAPPROPRIATE HYGENE DUDE.
LA TROIS COILER:
A poop by any other name, ... uh, ... probably wouldn't have three coils. This is one of those rare poops so continuosly long, that it has to do laps to fit in the toilet - making upwards of two, three, and sometimes even four complete revolutions of the bowl and resembling a big brown soft serve cone. It's all you can do to stop from taking a picture or calling your colleagues in to check it out, it's just so amazingly LONG! Of course, you stop short of doing anything so fecalfeliactic and reluctantly flush, cognisant of the fact that you've just witnessed of of the true rare spectacles of nature.